It's almost time for church today. Yea. Yippie. Hallelujah. Whatever. Can you hear the sarcasm?
It has been three years since I've been a part of a church community (with all that entails). It's been two since I've had discipleship-type relations with a mature male. A friend asked me last night how many churches I've been to, and I started thinking about it after I went to bed.
By my count, I've been to nine churches in the past three years. I think there may be one or two that I'm forgetting about but it's pretty close. I can't remember how many Bible studies or small groups I've tried to be a part of. The only reason I'm going to church today is because I told someone I would.
My relationship with God is tattered, at best. Quiet times are dry and worship is almost non-existent. A couple of years ago I stopped going to church altogether for a few weeks and it was the best thing I could have possibly done. I've not gone for the past couple of weeks hoping to re-create that experience but it's not working. I think the reason it went well the last time is because the Lord renewed my hope. Maybe I stopped kidding myself about where I was with Him and was willing to sit back and listen for a while.
I'm seriously thinking about not going to church anymore until I hear from God. I know it sounds paradoxical, but seriously, what's the point of going to a place to find out I'm not going there anymore? There are so many churches in the area that I could literally go to a different one each week for years, so it's not like I can narrow them down.
Anyway, the ranting is over. I'm out.
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2 comments:
I would dislike saying "I'll pray for you." and that's it, because that's the Christianese answer to everything. But I will pray for you, you know that.
In addition to this, I urge you to persevere in this battle. I understand how frustrating and discouraging it is to not be in fellowship, to not be connected somewhere, but we are called to be striving for specifically that. Perhaps it's just how I'm reading your writing, but I hear a "give up" mentality coming from your words.
I dont really know what else to say, so I will get off now but I want you to know that God wants to bless you more than you want to be blessed. Keep searching - it takes hard work and discipline but it will be tremendously rewarding eventually.
Thanks for the prayers. It's not so much a "give up" as it is "Somebody throw me a bone."
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