Today:
1000m row
45 thrusters, 45lbs
30 pull-ups
--otherwise known as "Jackie," slightly modified
Friday:
Five rounds for time of:
500m row
10 push-ups
10 sit-ups, unassisted
5 pull-ups
15 flutter kicks, four count
Wednesday:
"Fran," modified
21-15-9
Thrusters, 75lbs
Pull-ups
I've just barely been able to have a "maintain" workout schedule. I'm certainly not gaining much ground, but hey, life does exist outside the gym. Usually. I either didn't time or completely forgot to time them all, but I did burn through as hard and fast as possible.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Decompression
My God, it has been one traumatic weekend.
I encountered sin yesterday that left me dry heaving and seriously pissed off. It wasn't my sin. Oh no. Not mine at all.
After everything was said and done, I was sitting at Denny's trying to eat something and do a Bible study, but it wasn't going well until I almost wept right there in the middle of a restaurant. After that I realized that I needed to focus and so I could finish the study and the food, and did so, and just barely managed to keep my food down. Just barely.
Good Lord...what a life changing experience. I am forever changed.
I encountered sin yesterday that left me dry heaving and seriously pissed off. It wasn't my sin. Oh no. Not mine at all.
After everything was said and done, I was sitting at Denny's trying to eat something and do a Bible study, but it wasn't going well until I almost wept right there in the middle of a restaurant. After that I realized that I needed to focus and so I could finish the study and the food, and did so, and just barely managed to keep my food down. Just barely.
Good Lord...what a life changing experience. I am forever changed.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Just some thoughts!
So, what role should faith play in politics?
I've been thinking on this for a few weeks. Haven't really gone into depth on it, it's one of those things that crosses my mind as I'm sitting on the Concept 2 with nothing to do but try and ignore the fact that I can hardly breath.
I do think it's worth more consideration than I've given it, though. I know that for a lot of things "conservative," the answers are pretty clear. Things like abortion and drug use are no-brainers, there are Scriptures to back them up. What about things like firearm control, parental rights, the War on Terror, etc.?
I guess what a person believes about the power of the government depends on what you believe about 1) What Scripture says about governing bodies, and 2) The purpose of a governing body. I'm not trying to set specific answers as much as a concept.
Scripture? There is a lot. In Genesis, God says "Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed, for God made man in his own image." Man's punishment for shedding blood is death...by the hand of man.
Romans says:
Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God's wrath but also for the sake of conscience.
(Rom 13:1-5)
So, the hand that slays the murderer is appointed by God to be there, slaying the murderer. Well, that's a comforting thought for folks in the military.
In other OT books, God deals out punishment directly, with no intermediary...which would seem to put lie to the two previous verses. I think (emphasize: think) that there were specific reasons. One, no one was committing a man-to-man type of sin. When this type of discipline is meted out (that I remember), the commands that were broken dealt specifically with how the people interacted with and obeyed the Presence. So, the previously established chain of command (Tribal leaders, Aaron/Levites, Moses, God) was skipped and the offenders held directly accountable to Him. A couple of times this didn't happen (like when Moses ground up the calf and made everybody drink it), but I think I'm accurate for the most part.
Notice that when the people rejected the Lord as their ultimate earthly authority, things slightly changed. Only slightly. Now the King was in power (but, ironically, all the kings that were of any use did what the Lord said to do). So then we find various men and women meting out punishment in the name of the Most High. Not so different in concept than before, because there were still elders (and basically anyone zealous for the Lord) to consider. People were often still instruments used to judge and punish evildoers.
What about today? We have no theocracy and America is most decidedly NOT a Christian nation. I think Paul answers it...nothing has really changed, except we have made more efficient ways to sin. So, governments exist to judge and punish evildoers.
We are told to pay our debts (to the ruling authorities) and love each other (each other being defined as everybody). I'm glad he wrote that in right after talking about destroying evil people. It'd be so easy to say "Well, I'm a part of the government, so I can now kill/punish people that sin." Uh, no. Individually speaking, that's not the way it is. We are called to pay our dues and love our neighbor. If there's any bloodletting to do, it is the responsibility of our judicial system and federal government (and the people that work in it) to do so.
What about the War on Terror? Hmmm...who thinks bin-Laden deserves to be punished? What about Hussein? Those things are easy (as long as you aren't afraid to see the truth). What about people in the government that use their authority for selfish gain (say, Bill Clinton)? What about people in authority that use the influence of office to avoid punishment (Kennedy)?
This is what I believe: Regardless of what people do, whether their actions be good, pleasant, inconvenient or just plain evil, our job is to love them. (Insert sermon about it being true love and not fake.) Our job is to serve them. Ultimately, it's not going to matter if I (or you, or the next guy, or whatever) never get to enact vengeance on a dirty politician for taking all of our money, or for betraying our country (certainly isn't his anymore), or whatever. They may be hurting us, but they are breaking God's commandments, not ours. He's the one that will take care of it when someone lies, cheats, steals, murders, etc. Doesn't mean we are excused from defending the defenseless or from standing up for what is right; just that in the end, judgement is His job. Not ours.
I've been thinking on this for a few weeks. Haven't really gone into depth on it, it's one of those things that crosses my mind as I'm sitting on the Concept 2 with nothing to do but try and ignore the fact that I can hardly breath.
I do think it's worth more consideration than I've given it, though. I know that for a lot of things "conservative," the answers are pretty clear. Things like abortion and drug use are no-brainers, there are Scriptures to back them up. What about things like firearm control, parental rights, the War on Terror, etc.?
I guess what a person believes about the power of the government depends on what you believe about 1) What Scripture says about governing bodies, and 2) The purpose of a governing body. I'm not trying to set specific answers as much as a concept.
Scripture? There is a lot. In Genesis, God says "Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed, for God made man in his own image." Man's punishment for shedding blood is death...by the hand of man.
Romans says:
Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God's wrath but also for the sake of conscience.
(Rom 13:1-5)
So, the hand that slays the murderer is appointed by God to be there, slaying the murderer. Well, that's a comforting thought for folks in the military.
In other OT books, God deals out punishment directly, with no intermediary...which would seem to put lie to the two previous verses. I think (emphasize: think) that there were specific reasons. One, no one was committing a man-to-man type of sin. When this type of discipline is meted out (that I remember), the commands that were broken dealt specifically with how the people interacted with and obeyed the Presence. So, the previously established chain of command (Tribal leaders, Aaron/Levites, Moses, God) was skipped and the offenders held directly accountable to Him. A couple of times this didn't happen (like when Moses ground up the calf and made everybody drink it), but I think I'm accurate for the most part.
Notice that when the people rejected the Lord as their ultimate earthly authority, things slightly changed. Only slightly. Now the King was in power (but, ironically, all the kings that were of any use did what the Lord said to do). So then we find various men and women meting out punishment in the name of the Most High. Not so different in concept than before, because there were still elders (and basically anyone zealous for the Lord) to consider. People were often still instruments used to judge and punish evildoers.
What about today? We have no theocracy and America is most decidedly NOT a Christian nation. I think Paul answers it...nothing has really changed, except we have made more efficient ways to sin. So, governments exist to judge and punish evildoers.
We are told to pay our debts (to the ruling authorities) and love each other (each other being defined as everybody). I'm glad he wrote that in right after talking about destroying evil people. It'd be so easy to say "Well, I'm a part of the government, so I can now kill/punish people that sin." Uh, no. Individually speaking, that's not the way it is. We are called to pay our dues and love our neighbor. If there's any bloodletting to do, it is the responsibility of our judicial system and federal government (and the people that work in it) to do so.
What about the War on Terror? Hmmm...who thinks bin-Laden deserves to be punished? What about Hussein? Those things are easy (as long as you aren't afraid to see the truth). What about people in the government that use their authority for selfish gain (say, Bill Clinton)? What about people in authority that use the influence of office to avoid punishment (Kennedy)?
This is what I believe: Regardless of what people do, whether their actions be good, pleasant, inconvenient or just plain evil, our job is to love them. (Insert sermon about it being true love and not fake.) Our job is to serve them. Ultimately, it's not going to matter if I (or you, or the next guy, or whatever) never get to enact vengeance on a dirty politician for taking all of our money, or for betraying our country (certainly isn't his anymore), or whatever. They may be hurting us, but they are breaking God's commandments, not ours. He's the one that will take care of it when someone lies, cheats, steals, murders, etc. Doesn't mean we are excused from defending the defenseless or from standing up for what is right; just that in the end, judgement is His job. Not ours.
Wasted...
...is how I feel.
Today:
x4 underwaters, warmup
X2 50 m swim
X1 200m swim
Bobbing
At this point there were two people to each lane of the pool and I was tired of swallowing that nasty water. It almost made me puke each time a mouthfull went down.
Row, 10,000m, 50:22. Five minute break at 5,000m.
X5 sets of 5 pullups, assisted
X2 sets of dips, assisted
Okay, okay, yeah, I know...I'm using a machine. Whaddya know, your feet must be cold cause it's all frozen over down there. Seriously, I tried it and it works better for improving dead hang pull-ups than most anything else I've seen. So there!
Form practice for deadlifts, clean (only once though), and military press.
X4 reps of:
10 four count scullies
10 sit-ups, unassisted
After that I did some things on the dip bars (like leg lifts and parrallete sits). Didn't do a lot though. Just playing around at this point.
Today:
x4 underwaters, warmup
X2 50 m swim
X1 200m swim
Bobbing
At this point there were two people to each lane of the pool and I was tired of swallowing that nasty water. It almost made me puke each time a mouthfull went down.
Row, 10,000m, 50:22. Five minute break at 5,000m.
X5 sets of 5 pullups, assisted
X2 sets of dips, assisted
Okay, okay, yeah, I know...I'm using a machine. Whaddya know, your feet must be cold cause it's all frozen over down there. Seriously, I tried it and it works better for improving dead hang pull-ups than most anything else I've seen. So there!
Form practice for deadlifts, clean (only once though), and military press.
X4 reps of:
10 four count scullies
10 sit-ups, unassisted
After that I did some things on the dip bars (like leg lifts and parrallete sits). Didn't do a lot though. Just playing around at this point.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
WoDsome!
Yesterday:
(Two Rounds for time)
Run, appx 250m
Mini-hurdles
Urchins (reach down and touch the little thingy)
Clap Pushup x3
Burpees x5
Pushups x10
Diamond Pushups X5
KB carry, 20 feet
Medicine Ball twist X5
Bench Jump X 20
It was a designated easy day, so I did that to test the circuit for PT today. Today at PT I did the same thing except replaced clap push-ups with wheelbarrow walk (and rotating pushups the next time around), did a water jug carry with my teammate, and did a medicine ball toss instead of twist.
It was so cold outside both days that by the time I was done I was just getting warm enough to really hit it. Oh well. It's nice to have a break every now and then. Everyone who attended PT did a really great job of it, too! :)
Later in the afternoon:
For Time:
2000m Row (8:22)
50 Glute-Ham sit-ups
x10 pushups, x5 pull-ups three rounds
Total time: 20:22ish.
For the first time since I got sick, I finally managed a 1000m row at an average split time of 2:00. Before I was sick, anything more than two minutes (unless it's the fourth or fifth time in a high-intensity WoD) would a bad day. I'm getting there.
(Two Rounds for time)
Run, appx 250m
Mini-hurdles
Urchins (reach down and touch the little thingy)
Clap Pushup x3
Burpees x5
Pushups x10
Diamond Pushups X5
KB carry, 20 feet
Medicine Ball twist X5
Bench Jump X 20
It was a designated easy day, so I did that to test the circuit for PT today. Today at PT I did the same thing except replaced clap push-ups with wheelbarrow walk (and rotating pushups the next time around), did a water jug carry with my teammate, and did a medicine ball toss instead of twist.
It was so cold outside both days that by the time I was done I was just getting warm enough to really hit it. Oh well. It's nice to have a break every now and then. Everyone who attended PT did a really great job of it, too! :)
Later in the afternoon:
For Time:
2000m Row (8:22)
50 Glute-Ham sit-ups
x10 pushups, x5 pull-ups three rounds
Total time: 20:22ish.
For the first time since I got sick, I finally managed a 1000m row at an average split time of 2:00. Before I was sick, anything more than two minutes (unless it's the fourth or fifth time in a high-intensity WoD) would a bad day. I'm getting there.
Monday, October 16, 2006
MOTIVATED!!!
"Hey-bop-a-loo-bop SEAL Team baby,
I joined up for this town, people think I crazy,
I came here to be one frog-man stud,
Now all I'm doing is dropping in the mud!
Picture from Strategypage, as always.
*sigh*
I'm so bored right now that I'd almost be happy to go back to work. These long weekends are killing me.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Workouts
Haven't been faithful posting the WoD's the past couple of days.
Today:
For time:
1000m Row
30 pull-ups
I have no idea how long it took. Don't really care. The row was 3:57, ten seconds longer than the last time I raced to 1000m, but that is to be expected I guess. The pullups were horrible...I've gone from 14+ dead hang, military standard to four struggling attempts. Gotta get that back up soon!
I also did some water confidence stuff as a cool down.
Yesterday:
X4 underwaters
Swim, 1 length, with 10 squats at the end.
Swim back with 10 pushups at the end.
Five rounds, for time. I have no idea how long it took, but I worked hard and fast, and got it done.
X4 underwaters, with some mask retreival, bobbing and treading water
Today:
For time:
1000m Row
30 pull-ups
I have no idea how long it took. Don't really care. The row was 3:57, ten seconds longer than the last time I raced to 1000m, but that is to be expected I guess. The pullups were horrible...I've gone from 14+ dead hang, military standard to four struggling attempts. Gotta get that back up soon!
I also did some water confidence stuff as a cool down.
Yesterday:
X4 underwaters
Swim, 1 length, with 10 squats at the end.
Swim back with 10 pushups at the end.
Five rounds, for time. I have no idea how long it took, but I worked hard and fast, and got it done.
X4 underwaters, with some mask retreival, bobbing and treading water
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Basics
WoD today:
Five rounds of:
X10 pushups, normal
X10 situps, unassisted
X10 flutter kicks, four count
X10 air squats
Appx 3 mile run immediately following.
I was going to work out this afternoon too, thinking that the morning time was just to wake me up and get me going, but it didn't turn out that way. I'm more fatigued than I should have been considering rest and diet, so I'm thinking it's accumulated from the rowing and the WoD's yesterday.
Funny thing is, I didn't really make up my mind about not working out until I already received permission from work to go to the gym. Sooo...I went to the gym...and sat in the hot tub!!! Yeah!! Now I'm all relaxed and ready for squadron PT in the morning. I'm assuming it's going to be a run, given the location we are supposed to meet. I'm seriously, seriously considering skipping the PT session altogether and doing "my own thing," but I am a PT leader now and everything, so there isn't much choice. Integrity. Sheesh. Pah. Poop!
I'm really depressed right now. My issues with God have been much better for the past few days, I'm just lonely. Not for a girlfriend, either; I'd settle for some good time with friends, to tell you the truth.
I forgot about church tonight (what a dufus!). Now I'm on the south side of town and I'm refusing to drive 45 minutes to go to church. That's just silly. Going on Wednesdays is usually more painful than any other time, anyway...it reminds me of the Wednesdays of the past, the ones full of screaming kids, worship, ministry and friends. It's really hard to not think of the things that aren't there anymore when it's so stinkin' in-my-face-lonely. *sigh*
Five rounds of:
X10 pushups, normal
X10 situps, unassisted
X10 flutter kicks, four count
X10 air squats
Appx 3 mile run immediately following.
I was going to work out this afternoon too, thinking that the morning time was just to wake me up and get me going, but it didn't turn out that way. I'm more fatigued than I should have been considering rest and diet, so I'm thinking it's accumulated from the rowing and the WoD's yesterday.
Funny thing is, I didn't really make up my mind about not working out until I already received permission from work to go to the gym. Sooo...I went to the gym...and sat in the hot tub!!! Yeah!! Now I'm all relaxed and ready for squadron PT in the morning. I'm assuming it's going to be a run, given the location we are supposed to meet. I'm seriously, seriously considering skipping the PT session altogether and doing "my own thing," but I am a PT leader now and everything, so there isn't much choice. Integrity. Sheesh. Pah. Poop!
I'm really depressed right now. My issues with God have been much better for the past few days, I'm just lonely. Not for a girlfriend, either; I'd settle for some good time with friends, to tell you the truth.
I forgot about church tonight (what a dufus!). Now I'm on the south side of town and I'm refusing to drive 45 minutes to go to church. That's just silly. Going on Wednesdays is usually more painful than any other time, anyway...it reminds me of the Wednesdays of the past, the ones full of screaming kids, worship, ministry and friends. It's really hard to not think of the things that aren't there anymore when it's so stinkin' in-my-face-lonely. *sigh*
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
PT! AUOORAH!!!
G'day, once again....
So, now I'm officially a PT leader. It's kinda frightening...the things I want people to learn to do can hurt them and I'm going to feel responsible. Well, honestly, they'll only hurt a person if that person is STUPID, but there are plenty of those people out there. (Note: Ignorant = Lacking Knowledge, Stupid = Refusing Knowledge.)
Here's a sample of what I'm thinking about for the squadron PT if there are (few) enough people. There's a circuit out by the golf course that is pretty neat. I go through it occasionally if I didn't get to drink enough Kool-Aid during the WoD. There's other stuff added to it here, too.
Balance beam, square
Ladder to use for wall-ball type exercise
balance beam, round
Pull-up
Jump to swing
Jump for height
Parallette Bars
Modified Yanda Sit-ups
Jumping Muscle-ups
Monkey bars (can be used to do leg raises, too!! Yummy!)
Water-Jug carry, 20 yards
Team Pick-up - Something Big (Don't know what yet!!)
Burpees, pushups or situps between stations
So, now I'm officially a PT leader. It's kinda frightening...the things I want people to learn to do can hurt them and I'm going to feel responsible. Well, honestly, they'll only hurt a person if that person is STUPID, but there are plenty of those people out there. (Note: Ignorant = Lacking Knowledge, Stupid = Refusing Knowledge.)
Here's a sample of what I'm thinking about for the squadron PT if there are (few) enough people. There's a circuit out by the golf course that is pretty neat. I go through it occasionally if I didn't get to drink enough Kool-Aid during the WoD. There's other stuff added to it here, too.
Balance beam, square
Ladder to use for wall-ball type exercise
balance beam, round
Pull-up
Jump to swing
Jump for height
Parallette Bars
Modified Yanda Sit-ups
Jumping Muscle-ups
Monkey bars (can be used to do leg raises, too!! Yummy!)
Water-Jug carry, 20 yards
Team Pick-up - Something Big (Don't know what yet!!)
Burpees, pushups or situps between stations
WoDilicious!
What was prescribed:
For time:
20 inch Box jump, 50 reps
Rope climb, 5 ascents
1.5 pood Kettlebell swing, 50 reps
50 sit-ups
40 pound dumbbell Hang power clean, 50 reps
800 meter Run
50 Back extensions
What I did:
Water Confidence stuff, about 30 minutes
Underwater fins
Mask retrieval
equipment drag and retrieval
Box jumps on a bench, 50 reps
5- pullups, assisted
30 lb kb swing, 50 reps
50 situps, unassisted
45 lb bar HPC, 15 reps
800m run
3 back extensions
Didn't bother to keep time. This is the first true Crossfit I've attempted in a looong time so I kept it simple and relatively easy, and I'm still wiped out.
For time:
20 inch Box jump, 50 reps
Rope climb, 5 ascents
1.5 pood Kettlebell swing, 50 reps
50 sit-ups
40 pound dumbbell Hang power clean, 50 reps
800 meter Run
50 Back extensions
What I did:
Water Confidence stuff, about 30 minutes
Underwater fins
Mask retrieval
equipment drag and retrieval
Box jumps on a bench, 50 reps
5- pullups, assisted
30 lb kb swing, 50 reps
50 situps, unassisted
45 lb bar HPC, 15 reps
800m run
3 back extensions
Didn't bother to keep time. This is the first true Crossfit I've attempted in a looong time so I kept it simple and relatively easy, and I'm still wiped out.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Saturday, October 07, 2006
WoD's
Today was the first "high-intensity" type WoD in a while. It was fun!!
Morning:
Slow warm-up today:
Snorkeling, back and forth a couple times
X4 underwaters
WaterWoD:
(Insert something else here, don't remember what though!!)
My intention was to swim underwater one length, get out of the pool and do 20 squats with the snorkel and mask, swim partly underwater back and do 15 four-count flutter kicks on the other side, repeat five times. I only got three reps before it was time for the mandatory 'safety break.'
Afternoon:
X4 500m rows, avg 2:00 per row
X100 air-ball (wall-ball with no wall!), 12 pound ball
10 sec hold, 10 rest, 9 hold, 9 rest, 8 hold, vomit...just kidding...of parallete holds.
Morning:
Slow warm-up today:
Snorkeling, back and forth a couple times
X4 underwaters
WaterWoD:
(Insert something else here, don't remember what though!!)
My intention was to swim underwater one length, get out of the pool and do 20 squats with the snorkel and mask, swim partly underwater back and do 15 four-count flutter kicks on the other side, repeat five times. I only got three reps before it was time for the mandatory 'safety break.'
Afternoon:
X4 500m rows, avg 2:00 per row
X100 air-ball (wall-ball with no wall!), 12 pound ball
10 sec hold, 10 rest, 9 hold, 9 rest, 8 hold, vomit...just kidding...of parallete holds.
Realizing
Last night I had an epiphany. It's going to sound obvious when I say it, but for some reason it never occurred to me before.
I've been struggling a lot lately with God. It feels like He has abandoned me to live in this world without His presence. I've begged for a mentor and home church for two years and for the most part have only had heartache and solitude in return. There's a church I'm going to now that may qualify (yah!) but we'll see. It's full of great people, now I think it's just a matter of willpower on my part.
This no mentor thing has killed my faith and my walk with Christ. I've been angry at God because he knows that I want someone to mentor me for His sake, so that it's a little easier to do the right thing in this world, whatever that "right thing" might be at the time. I'm angry because I feel like I'm missing out on things (like purity, service, and sacrifice) that I could be experiencing if there was just someone to help, someone to keep me accountable. Yeah, selfish I know; but really, what follower of Christ doesn't want these things?
So last night I realized that all I need is God. Haha. Imagine that.
I'd been thinking about the past four or five years. I realized that at some point I've given up everything there was to give. I've given all my money away because He wanted me to. I've given my friends up (as a result of doing his will, not by direct command or anything) I've given family up (ditto). I started thinking about what else there is to give, what else there is to lose, and realized that I still had my body and my life.
You know, if I knew that's what it would take to know Christ's presence every day without fail, I'd give those up in a heartbeat. I don't care anymore. All I need, all I want, all I crave is His presence. That's it. Everything else is moot. The thing is, He isn't granting it. I'm desperately trying to hold on to the promises in Scripture concerning perseverance and pursuing Him. In all honesty, I never thought I'd be able to sacrifice the use of my body for His sake until now. I thought I'd go crazy if I couldn't use it the way it's designed to be used. I'm not hoping he takes it away, but now I'd pay the price willingly if that's what it takes.
There have been angry moments in the past few weeks that I've felt dangerously close to totally rejecting Christ and completely abandoning the faith. I just can't do it. Really, the only reason I'm angry is because I'm hurt. I've been ignored by friends, family, teachers, co-workers, but never by God before, and even though I know He has a reason, that doesn't mean it doesn't bloody HURT for crying out loud!
Perseverance. Patience. Faith. Hope. Love. I know they exist, especially the last one, but I am so far from them it seems impossible to return. *sigh*
I've been struggling a lot lately with God. It feels like He has abandoned me to live in this world without His presence. I've begged for a mentor and home church for two years and for the most part have only had heartache and solitude in return. There's a church I'm going to now that may qualify (yah!) but we'll see. It's full of great people, now I think it's just a matter of willpower on my part.
This no mentor thing has killed my faith and my walk with Christ. I've been angry at God because he knows that I want someone to mentor me for His sake, so that it's a little easier to do the right thing in this world, whatever that "right thing" might be at the time. I'm angry because I feel like I'm missing out on things (like purity, service, and sacrifice) that I could be experiencing if there was just someone to help, someone to keep me accountable. Yeah, selfish I know; but really, what follower of Christ doesn't want these things?
So last night I realized that all I need is God. Haha. Imagine that.
I'd been thinking about the past four or five years. I realized that at some point I've given up everything there was to give. I've given all my money away because He wanted me to. I've given my friends up (as a result of doing his will, not by direct command or anything) I've given family up (ditto). I started thinking about what else there is to give, what else there is to lose, and realized that I still had my body and my life.
You know, if I knew that's what it would take to know Christ's presence every day without fail, I'd give those up in a heartbeat. I don't care anymore. All I need, all I want, all I crave is His presence. That's it. Everything else is moot. The thing is, He isn't granting it. I'm desperately trying to hold on to the promises in Scripture concerning perseverance and pursuing Him. In all honesty, I never thought I'd be able to sacrifice the use of my body for His sake until now. I thought I'd go crazy if I couldn't use it the way it's designed to be used. I'm not hoping he takes it away, but now I'd pay the price willingly if that's what it takes.
There have been angry moments in the past few weeks that I've felt dangerously close to totally rejecting Christ and completely abandoning the faith. I just can't do it. Really, the only reason I'm angry is because I'm hurt. I've been ignored by friends, family, teachers, co-workers, but never by God before, and even though I know He has a reason, that doesn't mean it doesn't bloody HURT for crying out loud!
Perseverance. Patience. Faith. Hope. Love. I know they exist, especially the last one, but I am so far from them it seems impossible to return. *sigh*
Friday, October 06, 2006
The Practice of the Presence of God
Brother Lawrence's
Conversations and Letters
CONVERSATIONS
Introduction: At the time of de Beaufort's interviews, Brother Lawrence was in his late fifties. Joseph de Beaufort later commented that the crippled brother, who was then in charge of the upkeep of over one hundred pairs of sandals, was "rough in appearance but gentle in grace".
First Conversation: The first time I saw Brother Lawrence was upon the 3rd of August, 1666. He told me that God had done him a singular favor in his conversion at the age of eighteen. During that winter, upon seeing a tree stripped of its leaves and considering that within a little time the leaves would be renewed and after that the flowers and fruit appear, Brother Lawrence received a high view of the Providence and Power of God which has never since been effaced from his soul. This view had perfectly set him loose from the world and kindled in him such a love for God, that he could not tell whether it had increased in the forty years that he had lived since.
Brother Lawrence said he had been footman to M. Fieubert, the treasurer, and that he was a great awkward fellow who broke everything. He finally decided to enter a monastery thinking that he would there be made to smart for his awkwardness and the faults he should commit, and so he should sacrifice his life with its pleasures to God. But Brother Lawrence said that God had disappointed him because he met with nothing but satisfaction in that state.
Brother Lawrence related that we should establish ourselves in a sense of God's Presence by continually conversing with Him. It was a shameful thing to quit His conversation to think of trifles and fooleries. We should feed and nourish our souls with high notions of God which would yield us great joy in being devoted to Him.
He said we ought to quicken and enliven our faith. It was lamentable we had so little. Instead of taking faith for the rule of their conduct, men amused themselves with trivial devotions which changed daily. He said that faith was sufficient to bring us to a high degree of perfection. We ought to give ourselves up to God with regard both to things temporal and spiritual and seek our satisfaction only in the fulfilling of His will. Whether God led us by suffering or by consolation all would be equal to a soul truly resigned.
He said we need fidelity in those drynesses, or insensibilities and irksomenesses in prayer by which God tries our love to Him; that then was the time for us to make good and effectual acts of resignation, whereof one alone would oftentimes very much promote our spiritual advancement.
He said that as far as the miseries and sins he heard of daily in the world, he was so far from wondering at them, that, on the contrary, he was surprised there were not more considering the malice sinners were capable of. For his part, he prayed for them. But knowing that God could remedy the mischief they did when He pleased, he gave himself no further trouble.
Brother Lawrence said to arrive at such resignation as God requires, we should watch attentively over all the passions which mingle in spiritual things as well as those of a grosser nature. God would give light concerning those passions to those who truly desire to serve Him.
At the end of this first conversation Brother Lawrence said that if my purpose for the visit was to sincerely discuss how to serve God, I might come to him as often as I pleased and without any fear of being troublesome. If this was not the case, then I ought visit him no more.
Second Conversation: Brother Lawrence told me he had always been governed by love, without selfish views. Since he resolved to make the love of God the end of all his actions, he had found reasons to be well satisfied with his method. He was pleased when he could take up a straw from the ground for the love of God, seeking Him only, and nothing else, not even His gifts.
He said he had been long troubled in mind from a certain belief that he should be damned. All the men in the world could not have persuaded him to the contrary. This trouble of mind had lasted four years during which time he had suffered much.
Finally he reasoned: I did not engage in a religious life but for the love of God. I have endeavored to act only for Him. Whatever becomes of me, whether I be lost or saved, I will always continue to act purely for the love of God. I shall have this good at least that till death I shall have done all that is in me to love Him. From that time on Brother Lawrence lived his life in perfect liberty and continual joy. He placed his sins between himself and God to tell Him that he did not deserve His favors yet God still continued to bestow them in abundance.
Brother Lawrence said that in order to form a habit of conversing with God continually and referring all we do to Him, we must at first apply to Him with some diligence. Then, after a little care, we should find His love inwardly excite us to it without any difficulty.
He expected after the pleasant days God had given him, he should have his turn of pain and suffering. Yet he was not uneasy about it. Knowing that since he could do nothing of himself, God would not fail to give him the strength to bear them.
When an occasion of practicing some virtue was offered, he addressed himself to God saying, "Lord, I cannot do this unless Thou enablest me". And then he received strength more than sufficient. When he had failed in his duty, he only confessed his fault saying to God, "I shall never do otherwise, if You leave me to myself. It is You who must hinder my falling and mend what is amiss." Then, after this, he gave himself no further uneasiness about it.
Brother Lawrence said we ought to act with God in the greatest simplicity, speaking to Him frankly and plainly, and imploring His assistance in our affairs just as they happen. God never failed to grant it, as Brother Lawrence had often experienced.
He said he had been lately sent into Burgundy to buy the provision of wine for the community. This was a very unwelcome task for him because he had no turn for business and because he was lame and could not go about the boat but by rolling himself over the casks. Yet he gave himself no uneasiness about it, nor about the purchase of the wine. He said to God, it was His business he was about, and that he afterwards found it very well performed. He mentioned he had been sent into Auvergne the year before upon the same account. He could not tell how the matter passed except that it proved very well.
So, likewise, in his business in the kitchen (to which he had naturally a great aversion), having accustomed himself to do everything there for the love of God and asking for His grace to do his work well, he had found everything easy during the fifteen years that he had been employed there. He was very well pleased with the post he was now in. Yet he was as ready to quit that as the former, since he was always pleasing God in every condition, by doing little things for His love. With him the set times of prayer were not different from other times. He retired to pray according to the directions of his superior, but he did not want such retirement nor ask for it because his greatest business did not divert him from God.
Since he knew his obligation to love God in all things, and as he endeavored so to do, he had no need of a director to advise him, but he greatly needed a confessor to absolve him. He said he was very sensible of his faults but not discouraged by them. He confessed them to God and made no excuses. When he had so done, he peaceably resumed his usual practice of love and adoration.
In his trouble of mind, Brother Lawrence had consulted nobody. Knowing only by the light of faith that God was present, he contented himself with directing all his actions to Him. He did everything with a desire to please Him and let what would come of it.
He said that useless thoughts spoil all -that the mischief began there. We ought to reject them as soon as we perceived their impertinence and return to our communion with God. In the beginning he had often passed his time appointed for prayer in rejecting wandering thoughts and falling right back into them. He could never regulate his devotion by certain methods as some do. Nevertheless, at first he had meditated for some time, but afterwards that went off in a manner that he could give no account of. Brother Lawrence emphasized that all bodily mortifications and other exercises are useless unless they serve to arrive at the union with God by love. He had well considered this. He found that the shortest way to go straight to God was by a continual exercise of love and doing all things for His sake.
He noted that there was a great difference between the acts of the intellect and those of the will. Acts of the intellect were comparatively of little value. Acts of the will were all important. Our only business was to love and delight ourselves in God. All possible kinds of mortification, if they were void of the love of God, could not efface a single sin. Instead, we ought, without anxiety, to expect the pardon of our sins from the blood of Jesus Christ only endeavoring to love Him with all our hearts. And he noted that God seemed to have granted the greatest favors to the greatest sinners as more signal monuments of His mercy.
Brother Lawrence said the greatest pains or pleasures of this world were not to be compared with what he had experienced of both kinds in a spiritual state. As a result he feared nothing, desiring only one thing of God - that he might not offend Him. He said he carried no guilt. "When I fail in my duty, I readily acknowledge it, saying, I am used to do so. I shall never do otherwise if I am left to myself. If I fail not, then I give God thanks acknowledging that it comes from Him."
Third Conversation: Brother Lawrence told me that the foundation of the spiritual life in him had been a high notion and esteem of God in faith. When he had once well established his faith he had no other care but to reject every other thought so he might perform all his actions for the love of God. He said when sometimes he had not thought of God for a good while he did not disquiet himself for it. Having acknowledged his wretchedness to God, he simply returned to Him with so much the greater trust in Him.
He said the trust we put in God honors Him much and draws down great graces. Also, that it was impossible not only that God should deceive but that He should long let a soul suffer which is perfectly resigned to Him and resolved to endure everything for His sake.
Brother Lawrence often experienced the ready succors of Divine Grace. And because of his experience of grace, when he had business to do, he did not think of it beforehand. When it was time to do it, he found in God, as in a clear mirror, all that was fit for him to do. When outward business diverted him a little from the thought of God a fresh remembrance coming from God invested his soul and so inflamed and transported him that it was difficult for him to contain himself. He said he was more united to God in his outward employments than when he left them for devotion in retirement.
Brother Lawrence said that the worst that could happen to him was to lose that sense of God which he had enjoyed so long. Yet the goodness of God assured him He would not forsake him utterly and that He would give him strength to bear whatever evil He permitted to happen to him. Brother Lawrence, therefore, said he feared nothing. He had no occasion to consult with anybody about his state. In the past, when he had attempted to do it, he had always come away more perplexed. Since Brother Lawrence was ready to lay down his life for the love of God, he had no apprehension of danger.
He said that perfect resignation to God was a sure way to heaven, a way in which we have always sufficient light for our conduct. In the beginning of the spiritual life we ought to be faithful in doing our duty and denying ourselves and then, after a time, unspeakable pleasures followed. In difficulties we need only have recourse to Jesus Christ and beg His grace with which everything became easy.
Brother Lawrence said that many do not advance in the Christian progress because they stick in penances and particular exercises while they neglect the love of God which is the end. This appeared plainly by their works and was the reason why we see so little solid virtue. He said there needed neither art nor science for going to God, but only a heart resolutely determined to apply itself to nothing but Him and to love Him only.
Fourth Conversation: Brother Lawrence spoke with great openness of heart concerning his manner of going to God whereof some part is related already. He told me that all consists in one hearty renunciation of everything which we are sensible does not lead to God. We might accustom ourselves to a continual conversation with Him with freedom and in simplicity. We need only to recognize God intimately present with us and address ourselves to Him every moment. We need to beg His assistance for knowing His will in things doubtful and for rightly performing those which we plainly see He requires of us, offering them to Him before we do them, and giving Him thanks when we have completed them.
In our conversation with God we should also engage in praising, adoring, and loving him incessantly for His infinite goodness and perfection. Without being discouraged on account of our sins, we should pray for His grace with a perfect confidence, as relying upon the infinite merits of our Lord. Brother Lawrence said that God never failed offering us His grace at each action. It never failed except when Brother Lawrence's thoughts had wandered from a sense of God's Presence, or he forgot to ask His assistance. He said that God always gave us light in our doubts, when we had no other design but to please Him.
Our sanctification did not depend upon changing our works. Instead, it depended on doing that for God's sake which we commonly do for our own. He thought it was lamentable to see how many people mistook the means for the end, addicting themselves to certain works which they performed very imperfectly by reason of their human or selfish regards. The most excellent method he had found for going to God was that of doing our common business without any view of pleasing men but purely for the love of God.
Brother Lawrence felt it was a great delusion to think that the times of prayer ought to differ from other times. We are as strictly obliged to adhere to God by action in the time of action, as by prayer in its season. His own prayer was nothing else but a sense of the presence of God, his soul being at that time insensible to everything but Divine Love. When the appointed times of prayer were past, he found no difference, because he still continued with God, praising and blessing Him with all his might. Thus he passed his life in continual joy. Yet he hoped that God would give him somewhat to suffer when he grew stronger.
Brother Lawrence said we ought, once for all, heartily to put our whole trust in God, and make a total surrender of ourselves to Him, secure that He would not deceive us. We ought not weary of doing little things for the love of God, Who regards not the greatness of the work, but the love with which it is performed. We should not wonder if, in the beginning, we often failed in our endeavors, but that at last we should gain a habit which will naturally produce its acts in us without our care and to our exceeding great delight.
The whole substance of religion was faith, hope, and charity. In the practice of these we become united to the will of God. Everything else is indifferent and to be used as a means that we may arrive at our end and then be swallowed up by faith and charity. All things are possible to him who believes. They are less difficult to him who hopes. They are more easy to him who loves, and still more easy to him who perseveres in the practice of these three virtues. The end we ought to propose to ourselves is to become, in this life, the most perfect worshippers of God we can possibly be, and as we hope to be through all eternity.
Brother Lawrence said when we enter upon the spiritual we should consider and examine to the bottom what we are. We, then, would find ourselves worthy of all contempt and subject to all kinds of misery, and numberless accidents, which trouble us and cause perpetual vicissitudes in our health, in our humors, in our internal and external dispositions. Alas, we are persons whom God would humble by many pains and labors as well within as without.
After this, we should not wonder that troubles, temptations, oppositions, and contradictions happen to us from men. We ought, on the contrary, to submit ourselves to them and bear them as long as God pleases as things highly advantageous to us. The greater perfection a soul aspires after, the more dependent it is upon Divine Grace.
Being questioned by one of his own community (to whom he was obliged to open himself) by what means he had attained such an habitual sense of God, Brother Lawrence told him that, since his first coming to the monastery, he had considered God as the end of all his thoughts and desires, as the mark to which they should tend, and in which they should terminate.
He noted that in the beginning of his novitiate he spent the hours appointed for private prayer in thinking of God so as to convince his mind and impress deeply upon his heart the Divine existence. He did this by devout sentiments and submission to the lights of faith, rather than by studied reasonings and elaborate meditations. By this short and sure method he exercised himself in the knowledge and love of God, resolving to use his utmost endeavor to live in a continual sense of His Presence, and, if possible, never to forget Him more.
When he had thus, in prayer, filled his mind with great sentiments of that Infinite Being, he went to his work appointed in the kitchen (for he was then cook for the community). There having first considered severally the things his office required, and when and how each thing was to be done, he spent all the intervals of his time, both before and after his work, in prayer.
When he began his business, he said to God with a filial trust in Him, "O my God, since Thou art with me, and I must now, in obedience to Thy commands, apply my mind to these outward things, I beseech Thee to grant me the grace to continue in Thy Presence; and to this end do Thou prosper me with Thy assistance. Receive all my works, and possess all my affections." As he proceeded in his work, he continued his familiar conversation with his Maker, imploring His grace, and offering to Him all his actions.
When he had finished, he examined himself how he had discharged his duty. If he found well, he returned thanks to God. If otherwise, he asked pardon and, without being discouraged, he set his mind right again. He then continued his exercise of the presence of God as if he had never deviated from it. "Thus," said he, "by rising after my falls, and by frequently renewed acts of faith and love, I am come to a state wherein it would be as difficult for me not to think of God as it was at first to accustom myself to it."
As Brother Lawrence had found such an advantage in walking in the presence of God, it was natural for him to recommend it earnestly to others. More strikingly, his example was a stronger inducement than any arguments he could propose. His very countenance was edifying with such a sweet and calm devotion appearing that he could not but affect the beholders.
It was observed, that in the greatest hurry of business in the kitchen, he still preserved his recollection and heavenly-mindedness. He was never hasty nor loitering, but did each thing in its season with an even uninterrupted composure and tranquillity of spirit. "The time of business," said he, "does not with me differ from the time of prayer. In the noise and clutter of my kitchen, while several persons are at the same time calling for different things, I possess God in as great tranquillity as if I were upon my knees at the Blessed Supper."
Brother Lawrence's
Conversations and Letters
CONVERSATIONS
Introduction: At the time of de Beaufort's interviews, Brother Lawrence was in his late fifties. Joseph de Beaufort later commented that the crippled brother, who was then in charge of the upkeep of over one hundred pairs of sandals, was "rough in appearance but gentle in grace".
First Conversation: The first time I saw Brother Lawrence was upon the 3rd of August, 1666. He told me that God had done him a singular favor in his conversion at the age of eighteen. During that winter, upon seeing a tree stripped of its leaves and considering that within a little time the leaves would be renewed and after that the flowers and fruit appear, Brother Lawrence received a high view of the Providence and Power of God which has never since been effaced from his soul. This view had perfectly set him loose from the world and kindled in him such a love for God, that he could not tell whether it had increased in the forty years that he had lived since.
Brother Lawrence said he had been footman to M. Fieubert, the treasurer, and that he was a great awkward fellow who broke everything. He finally decided to enter a monastery thinking that he would there be made to smart for his awkwardness and the faults he should commit, and so he should sacrifice his life with its pleasures to God. But Brother Lawrence said that God had disappointed him because he met with nothing but satisfaction in that state.
Brother Lawrence related that we should establish ourselves in a sense of God's Presence by continually conversing with Him. It was a shameful thing to quit His conversation to think of trifles and fooleries. We should feed and nourish our souls with high notions of God which would yield us great joy in being devoted to Him.
He said we ought to quicken and enliven our faith. It was lamentable we had so little. Instead of taking faith for the rule of their conduct, men amused themselves with trivial devotions which changed daily. He said that faith was sufficient to bring us to a high degree of perfection. We ought to give ourselves up to God with regard both to things temporal and spiritual and seek our satisfaction only in the fulfilling of His will. Whether God led us by suffering or by consolation all would be equal to a soul truly resigned.
He said we need fidelity in those drynesses, or insensibilities and irksomenesses in prayer by which God tries our love to Him; that then was the time for us to make good and effectual acts of resignation, whereof one alone would oftentimes very much promote our spiritual advancement.
He said that as far as the miseries and sins he heard of daily in the world, he was so far from wondering at them, that, on the contrary, he was surprised there were not more considering the malice sinners were capable of. For his part, he prayed for them. But knowing that God could remedy the mischief they did when He pleased, he gave himself no further trouble.
Brother Lawrence said to arrive at such resignation as God requires, we should watch attentively over all the passions which mingle in spiritual things as well as those of a grosser nature. God would give light concerning those passions to those who truly desire to serve Him.
At the end of this first conversation Brother Lawrence said that if my purpose for the visit was to sincerely discuss how to serve God, I might come to him as often as I pleased and without any fear of being troublesome. If this was not the case, then I ought visit him no more.
Second Conversation: Brother Lawrence told me he had always been governed by love, without selfish views. Since he resolved to make the love of God the end of all his actions, he had found reasons to be well satisfied with his method. He was pleased when he could take up a straw from the ground for the love of God, seeking Him only, and nothing else, not even His gifts.
He said he had been long troubled in mind from a certain belief that he should be damned. All the men in the world could not have persuaded him to the contrary. This trouble of mind had lasted four years during which time he had suffered much.
Finally he reasoned: I did not engage in a religious life but for the love of God. I have endeavored to act only for Him. Whatever becomes of me, whether I be lost or saved, I will always continue to act purely for the love of God. I shall have this good at least that till death I shall have done all that is in me to love Him. From that time on Brother Lawrence lived his life in perfect liberty and continual joy. He placed his sins between himself and God to tell Him that he did not deserve His favors yet God still continued to bestow them in abundance.
Brother Lawrence said that in order to form a habit of conversing with God continually and referring all we do to Him, we must at first apply to Him with some diligence. Then, after a little care, we should find His love inwardly excite us to it without any difficulty.
He expected after the pleasant days God had given him, he should have his turn of pain and suffering. Yet he was not uneasy about it. Knowing that since he could do nothing of himself, God would not fail to give him the strength to bear them.
When an occasion of practicing some virtue was offered, he addressed himself to God saying, "Lord, I cannot do this unless Thou enablest me". And then he received strength more than sufficient. When he had failed in his duty, he only confessed his fault saying to God, "I shall never do otherwise, if You leave me to myself. It is You who must hinder my falling and mend what is amiss." Then, after this, he gave himself no further uneasiness about it.
Brother Lawrence said we ought to act with God in the greatest simplicity, speaking to Him frankly and plainly, and imploring His assistance in our affairs just as they happen. God never failed to grant it, as Brother Lawrence had often experienced.
He said he had been lately sent into Burgundy to buy the provision of wine for the community. This was a very unwelcome task for him because he had no turn for business and because he was lame and could not go about the boat but by rolling himself over the casks. Yet he gave himself no uneasiness about it, nor about the purchase of the wine. He said to God, it was His business he was about, and that he afterwards found it very well performed. He mentioned he had been sent into Auvergne the year before upon the same account. He could not tell how the matter passed except that it proved very well.
So, likewise, in his business in the kitchen (to which he had naturally a great aversion), having accustomed himself to do everything there for the love of God and asking for His grace to do his work well, he had found everything easy during the fifteen years that he had been employed there. He was very well pleased with the post he was now in. Yet he was as ready to quit that as the former, since he was always pleasing God in every condition, by doing little things for His love. With him the set times of prayer were not different from other times. He retired to pray according to the directions of his superior, but he did not want such retirement nor ask for it because his greatest business did not divert him from God.
Since he knew his obligation to love God in all things, and as he endeavored so to do, he had no need of a director to advise him, but he greatly needed a confessor to absolve him. He said he was very sensible of his faults but not discouraged by them. He confessed them to God and made no excuses. When he had so done, he peaceably resumed his usual practice of love and adoration.
In his trouble of mind, Brother Lawrence had consulted nobody. Knowing only by the light of faith that God was present, he contented himself with directing all his actions to Him. He did everything with a desire to please Him and let what would come of it.
He said that useless thoughts spoil all -that the mischief began there. We ought to reject them as soon as we perceived their impertinence and return to our communion with God. In the beginning he had often passed his time appointed for prayer in rejecting wandering thoughts and falling right back into them. He could never regulate his devotion by certain methods as some do. Nevertheless, at first he had meditated for some time, but afterwards that went off in a manner that he could give no account of. Brother Lawrence emphasized that all bodily mortifications and other exercises are useless unless they serve to arrive at the union with God by love. He had well considered this. He found that the shortest way to go straight to God was by a continual exercise of love and doing all things for His sake.
He noted that there was a great difference between the acts of the intellect and those of the will. Acts of the intellect were comparatively of little value. Acts of the will were all important. Our only business was to love and delight ourselves in God. All possible kinds of mortification, if they were void of the love of God, could not efface a single sin. Instead, we ought, without anxiety, to expect the pardon of our sins from the blood of Jesus Christ only endeavoring to love Him with all our hearts. And he noted that God seemed to have granted the greatest favors to the greatest sinners as more signal monuments of His mercy.
Brother Lawrence said the greatest pains or pleasures of this world were not to be compared with what he had experienced of both kinds in a spiritual state. As a result he feared nothing, desiring only one thing of God - that he might not offend Him. He said he carried no guilt. "When I fail in my duty, I readily acknowledge it, saying, I am used to do so. I shall never do otherwise if I am left to myself. If I fail not, then I give God thanks acknowledging that it comes from Him."
Third Conversation: Brother Lawrence told me that the foundation of the spiritual life in him had been a high notion and esteem of God in faith. When he had once well established his faith he had no other care but to reject every other thought so he might perform all his actions for the love of God. He said when sometimes he had not thought of God for a good while he did not disquiet himself for it. Having acknowledged his wretchedness to God, he simply returned to Him with so much the greater trust in Him.
He said the trust we put in God honors Him much and draws down great graces. Also, that it was impossible not only that God should deceive but that He should long let a soul suffer which is perfectly resigned to Him and resolved to endure everything for His sake.
Brother Lawrence often experienced the ready succors of Divine Grace. And because of his experience of grace, when he had business to do, he did not think of it beforehand. When it was time to do it, he found in God, as in a clear mirror, all that was fit for him to do. When outward business diverted him a little from the thought of God a fresh remembrance coming from God invested his soul and so inflamed and transported him that it was difficult for him to contain himself. He said he was more united to God in his outward employments than when he left them for devotion in retirement.
Brother Lawrence said that the worst that could happen to him was to lose that sense of God which he had enjoyed so long. Yet the goodness of God assured him He would not forsake him utterly and that He would give him strength to bear whatever evil He permitted to happen to him. Brother Lawrence, therefore, said he feared nothing. He had no occasion to consult with anybody about his state. In the past, when he had attempted to do it, he had always come away more perplexed. Since Brother Lawrence was ready to lay down his life for the love of God, he had no apprehension of danger.
He said that perfect resignation to God was a sure way to heaven, a way in which we have always sufficient light for our conduct. In the beginning of the spiritual life we ought to be faithful in doing our duty and denying ourselves and then, after a time, unspeakable pleasures followed. In difficulties we need only have recourse to Jesus Christ and beg His grace with which everything became easy.
Brother Lawrence said that many do not advance in the Christian progress because they stick in penances and particular exercises while they neglect the love of God which is the end. This appeared plainly by their works and was the reason why we see so little solid virtue. He said there needed neither art nor science for going to God, but only a heart resolutely determined to apply itself to nothing but Him and to love Him only.
Fourth Conversation: Brother Lawrence spoke with great openness of heart concerning his manner of going to God whereof some part is related already. He told me that all consists in one hearty renunciation of everything which we are sensible does not lead to God. We might accustom ourselves to a continual conversation with Him with freedom and in simplicity. We need only to recognize God intimately present with us and address ourselves to Him every moment. We need to beg His assistance for knowing His will in things doubtful and for rightly performing those which we plainly see He requires of us, offering them to Him before we do them, and giving Him thanks when we have completed them.
In our conversation with God we should also engage in praising, adoring, and loving him incessantly for His infinite goodness and perfection. Without being discouraged on account of our sins, we should pray for His grace with a perfect confidence, as relying upon the infinite merits of our Lord. Brother Lawrence said that God never failed offering us His grace at each action. It never failed except when Brother Lawrence's thoughts had wandered from a sense of God's Presence, or he forgot to ask His assistance. He said that God always gave us light in our doubts, when we had no other design but to please Him.
Our sanctification did not depend upon changing our works. Instead, it depended on doing that for God's sake which we commonly do for our own. He thought it was lamentable to see how many people mistook the means for the end, addicting themselves to certain works which they performed very imperfectly by reason of their human or selfish regards. The most excellent method he had found for going to God was that of doing our common business without any view of pleasing men but purely for the love of God.
Brother Lawrence felt it was a great delusion to think that the times of prayer ought to differ from other times. We are as strictly obliged to adhere to God by action in the time of action, as by prayer in its season. His own prayer was nothing else but a sense of the presence of God, his soul being at that time insensible to everything but Divine Love. When the appointed times of prayer were past, he found no difference, because he still continued with God, praising and blessing Him with all his might. Thus he passed his life in continual joy. Yet he hoped that God would give him somewhat to suffer when he grew stronger.
Brother Lawrence said we ought, once for all, heartily to put our whole trust in God, and make a total surrender of ourselves to Him, secure that He would not deceive us. We ought not weary of doing little things for the love of God, Who regards not the greatness of the work, but the love with which it is performed. We should not wonder if, in the beginning, we often failed in our endeavors, but that at last we should gain a habit which will naturally produce its acts in us without our care and to our exceeding great delight.
The whole substance of religion was faith, hope, and charity. In the practice of these we become united to the will of God. Everything else is indifferent and to be used as a means that we may arrive at our end and then be swallowed up by faith and charity. All things are possible to him who believes. They are less difficult to him who hopes. They are more easy to him who loves, and still more easy to him who perseveres in the practice of these three virtues. The end we ought to propose to ourselves is to become, in this life, the most perfect worshippers of God we can possibly be, and as we hope to be through all eternity.
Brother Lawrence said when we enter upon the spiritual we should consider and examine to the bottom what we are. We, then, would find ourselves worthy of all contempt and subject to all kinds of misery, and numberless accidents, which trouble us and cause perpetual vicissitudes in our health, in our humors, in our internal and external dispositions. Alas, we are persons whom God would humble by many pains and labors as well within as without.
After this, we should not wonder that troubles, temptations, oppositions, and contradictions happen to us from men. We ought, on the contrary, to submit ourselves to them and bear them as long as God pleases as things highly advantageous to us. The greater perfection a soul aspires after, the more dependent it is upon Divine Grace.
Being questioned by one of his own community (to whom he was obliged to open himself) by what means he had attained such an habitual sense of God, Brother Lawrence told him that, since his first coming to the monastery, he had considered God as the end of all his thoughts and desires, as the mark to which they should tend, and in which they should terminate.
He noted that in the beginning of his novitiate he spent the hours appointed for private prayer in thinking of God so as to convince his mind and impress deeply upon his heart the Divine existence. He did this by devout sentiments and submission to the lights of faith, rather than by studied reasonings and elaborate meditations. By this short and sure method he exercised himself in the knowledge and love of God, resolving to use his utmost endeavor to live in a continual sense of His Presence, and, if possible, never to forget Him more.
When he had thus, in prayer, filled his mind with great sentiments of that Infinite Being, he went to his work appointed in the kitchen (for he was then cook for the community). There having first considered severally the things his office required, and when and how each thing was to be done, he spent all the intervals of his time, both before and after his work, in prayer.
When he began his business, he said to God with a filial trust in Him, "O my God, since Thou art with me, and I must now, in obedience to Thy commands, apply my mind to these outward things, I beseech Thee to grant me the grace to continue in Thy Presence; and to this end do Thou prosper me with Thy assistance. Receive all my works, and possess all my affections." As he proceeded in his work, he continued his familiar conversation with his Maker, imploring His grace, and offering to Him all his actions.
When he had finished, he examined himself how he had discharged his duty. If he found well, he returned thanks to God. If otherwise, he asked pardon and, without being discouraged, he set his mind right again. He then continued his exercise of the presence of God as if he had never deviated from it. "Thus," said he, "by rising after my falls, and by frequently renewed acts of faith and love, I am come to a state wherein it would be as difficult for me not to think of God as it was at first to accustom myself to it."
As Brother Lawrence had found such an advantage in walking in the presence of God, it was natural for him to recommend it earnestly to others. More strikingly, his example was a stronger inducement than any arguments he could propose. His very countenance was edifying with such a sweet and calm devotion appearing that he could not but affect the beholders.
It was observed, that in the greatest hurry of business in the kitchen, he still preserved his recollection and heavenly-mindedness. He was never hasty nor loitering, but did each thing in its season with an even uninterrupted composure and tranquillity of spirit. "The time of business," said he, "does not with me differ from the time of prayer. In the noise and clutter of my kitchen, while several persons are at the same time calling for different things, I possess God in as great tranquillity as if I were upon my knees at the Blessed Supper."
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Today's WoD (s):
Morning:
Run (more of a jog, actually) about 1.80 miles
Afternoon:
X4 underwaters
X4 50 yards
X2 100 yards
X2 200 yards
Mask clearing and retrieval, maybe four or five times.
Tomorrow a friend of mine is hosting a meeting for our squadron PT leaders. I'm excited! I finally get a chance to help people without worrying about all the politics invovled with volunteering in the USAF!!! Yah!!! I'm kinda nervous though, too...the people I'm helping are counting on me, and I don't reap the consequences of my failure as much as they will. Yikes!
I'm so excited!! Yeah!! Over the past year or so God has revealed to me that I have a passion for fitness and for helping people achieve and maintain it. It's so exciting! Anyway, I'll stop rambling and let you go do something productive. Adios!
Danny
Morning:
Run (more of a jog, actually) about 1.80 miles
Afternoon:
X4 underwaters
X4 50 yards
X2 100 yards
X2 200 yards
Mask clearing and retrieval, maybe four or five times.
Tomorrow a friend of mine is hosting a meeting for our squadron PT leaders. I'm excited! I finally get a chance to help people without worrying about all the politics invovled with volunteering in the USAF!!! Yah!!! I'm kinda nervous though, too...the people I'm helping are counting on me, and I don't reap the consequences of my failure as much as they will. Yikes!
I'm so excited!! Yeah!! Over the past year or so God has revealed to me that I have a passion for fitness and for helping people achieve and maintain it. It's so exciting! Anyway, I'll stop rambling and let you go do something productive. Adios!
Danny
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Yeah
Yesterday's WoD:
Morning:
.90 ish miles warmup run
X4 300m intervals (straight line in apartement complex is not completely 400m long)
Afternoon:
2.15 mile run, untimed
Morning:
.90 ish miles warmup run
X4 300m intervals (straight line in apartement complex is not completely 400m long)
Afternoon:
2.15 mile run, untimed
Monday, October 02, 2006
Today is
*sigh*
Had some major realizations today. I'm grateful the Lord has given me a few answers to some very, very important questions, and am now running down the path I think has been set. There are a lot of things that still hurt and make me angry...but...a little bit of hope has been restored for now.
Somehow I've managed to injure the tendons around my elbows. Crap. I can hardly extend them completely, and it hurts when I try. Oh well. Rest and ice...rest and ice...and more time to waste without getting any stronger. At least I can swim a little bit, that doesn't hurt nearly at all.
Today's WoD:
x4 underwaters
X2 50 yards
x2 100 yards
x1 200 yards, then time for "safety break" at the Y.
TTYL.
Had some major realizations today. I'm grateful the Lord has given me a few answers to some very, very important questions, and am now running down the path I think has been set. There are a lot of things that still hurt and make me angry...but...a little bit of hope has been restored for now.
Somehow I've managed to injure the tendons around my elbows. Crap. I can hardly extend them completely, and it hurts when I try. Oh well. Rest and ice...rest and ice...and more time to waste without getting any stronger. At least I can swim a little bit, that doesn't hurt nearly at all.
Today's WoD:
x4 underwaters
X2 50 yards
x2 100 yards
x1 200 yards, then time for "safety break" at the Y.
TTYL.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Oswald Chambers for today
"We have all experienced times of exaltation on the mountain, when we have seen things from God’s perspective and have wanted to stay there. But God will never allow us to stay there. The true test of our spiritual life is in exhibiting the power to descend from the mountain. If we only have the power to go up, something is wrong. It is a wonderful thing to be on the mountain with God, but a person only gets there so that he may later go down and lift up the demon-possessed people in the valley (see Mark 9:14-18 ). We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life— those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration. We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strength. Yet our spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mountain. We feel that we could talk and live like perfect angels, if we could only stay on the mountaintop. Those times of exaltation are exceptional and they have their meaning in our life with God, but we must beware to prevent our spiritual selfishness from wanting to make them the only time."
Father, grant me the grace to live victoriously in the valleys...not only to walk with you, but to help others along the way.
"We are inclined to think that everything that happens is to be turned into useful teaching. In actual fact, it is to be turned into something even better than teaching, namely, character. The mountaintop is not meant to teach us anything, it is meant to make us something. There is a terrible trap in always asking, "What’s the use of this experience?" We can never measure spiritual matters in that way. The moments on the mountaintop are rare moments, and they are meant for something in God’s purpose."
Lord, keep me from the selfishness that so often is my downfall...help me to obey You even when I don't understand. Mold me to be the shape of your desire. Amen.
Father, grant me the grace to live victoriously in the valleys...not only to walk with you, but to help others along the way.
"We are inclined to think that everything that happens is to be turned into useful teaching. In actual fact, it is to be turned into something even better than teaching, namely, character. The mountaintop is not meant to teach us anything, it is meant to make us something. There is a terrible trap in always asking, "What’s the use of this experience?" We can never measure spiritual matters in that way. The moments on the mountaintop are rare moments, and they are meant for something in God’s purpose."
Lord, keep me from the selfishness that so often is my downfall...help me to obey You even when I don't understand. Mold me to be the shape of your desire. Amen.
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