Realizing

Last night I had an epiphany. It's going to sound obvious when I say it, but for some reason it never occurred to me before.

I've been struggling a lot lately with God. It feels like He has abandoned me to live in this world without His presence. I've begged for a mentor and home church for two years and for the most part have only had heartache and solitude in return. There's a church I'm going to now that may qualify (yah!) but we'll see. It's full of great people, now I think it's just a matter of willpower on my part.

This no mentor thing has killed my faith and my walk with Christ. I've been angry at God because he knows that I want someone to mentor me for His sake, so that it's a little easier to do the right thing in this world, whatever that "right thing" might be at the time. I'm angry because I feel like I'm missing out on things (like purity, service, and sacrifice) that I could be experiencing if there was just someone to help, someone to keep me accountable. Yeah, selfish I know; but really, what follower of Christ doesn't want these things?

So last night I realized that all I need is God. Haha. Imagine that.

I'd been thinking about the past four or five years. I realized that at some point I've given up everything there was to give. I've given all my money away because He wanted me to. I've given my friends up (as a result of doing his will, not by direct command or anything) I've given family up (ditto). I started thinking about what else there is to give, what else there is to lose, and realized that I still had my body and my life.

You know, if I knew that's what it would take to know Christ's presence every day without fail, I'd give those up in a heartbeat. I don't care anymore. All I need, all I want, all I crave is His presence. That's it. Everything else is moot. The thing is, He isn't granting it. I'm desperately trying to hold on to the promises in Scripture concerning perseverance and pursuing Him. In all honesty, I never thought I'd be able to sacrifice the use of my body for His sake until now. I thought I'd go crazy if I couldn't use it the way it's designed to be used. I'm not hoping he takes it away, but now I'd pay the price willingly if that's what it takes.

There have been angry moments in the past few weeks that I've felt dangerously close to totally rejecting Christ and completely abandoning the faith. I just can't do it. Really, the only reason I'm angry is because I'm hurt. I've been ignored by friends, family, teachers, co-workers, but never by God before, and even though I know He has a reason, that doesn't mean it doesn't bloody HURT for crying out loud!

Perseverance. Patience. Faith. Hope. Love. I know they exist, especially the last one, but I am so far from them it seems impossible to return. *sigh*