Man Rules

G'day!

I've noticed a serious trend the past couple of days. Males I'm around seem to not be following the established man-rules for society, so I'm going to post them for a review.

Man-Space:
At least one seat seperation required in all circumstances when males are involved. If no seperation is possible, complain about it or wiggle defensively like a hen trying to settle down on her nest. No references to hens allowed while complaining. If females are involved, more than one seat away is a no-no.

Urinals:
Okay buddy...look up or down, that's it. There are FIFTEEN bloody urinals in here and just TWO of us...what the crap?!?

Observe the man-space...no middle-man ops, either.

Nakedness:
Dude, seriously, if you're naked in the locker room I AM NOT going to have a conversation with you. Just forget about it. Nu-uh. If you sit next to me, expect to get hit in the face. Hard. Like with a rock or something.

Hugs:
Okay, this one is easy. Male-male hugs are ok as long as it is the man-hug - one around around, patting back; the other grasps hand in front. Anything else is out.

Women:
Dude, seriously. Hey, I KNOW I'm a hot commodity...you apparently aren't aware that she is, so if you aren't going to treat her like it then I'll be more than happy to. Comprende? Good!

Food:
If you can't pronounce the name of the dish, it's date food or you've made it yourself. No exceptions!
Chips will be served with man-dip (unless a lady is invovled), which consists of A) cheese, meat and salsa or B) peppers so hot you can't taste the cheese, meat and salsa.

Dancing:
Dancing is permissible if it is with a lady or (for a limited amount) for practice.

Cleaning:
Clean, dry, and functional, those are allowed (necessary really). Spending all Saturday afternoon scrubbing the kitchen floor while wearing yellow gloves and a hairpiece...uh, NO.

Shoes:
One for running, one for lifting, one for climbing, one for every day and one for special occasions. Duplicates are allowed as long as a testosterone analysis is completed at a registered testing facility and the results are clearly posted in the immediate vicinity of the shoes. If your shoes are hung on the closet door in a cute little space-saver, there's no need to complete the test since the results are probably erroneous (or maybe not).

Clothes:
Okay, this is a subject of much contention. Here it is in a simplified version: Fashionable clothes are allowed for the same reason that peacocks have feathers, comprende? (ref: Women) If the word 'cute' is used, you have an immediate no-go. Period.

Shopping:
You will go to the store, buy what you need, leave. In that order. Spending more than five minutes deciding on a shirt or trying on more than one pair of anything (other than shoes, see above) is considered inappropriate behavior and will be noted.

Weaponry:
You WILL own one piece of semi-lethal or lethal (preferred) weaponry as soon as legally and financially allowable. If it is a firearm, you WILL stockpile ammunition. If it is a bladed weapon, you WILL NOT play with it in the house (or around small animals). If it is a blunt object, you WILL practice bludgeoning techniques (or cutting things, if it's a blade). Though practicing on friends does provide a moving target, it is NOT recommended.

Quiet gentleness is not to be confused with docile femnicity. I can still bash your face in. Remember that. :)