G'day. Really. It's a good day. :) I got to spend a couple of hours in the Word last night and I didn't realize how much I miss sitting down for a while to read it.
I realized some things about life yesterday, too. I've actually been thinking about it for a while but haven't put it into words.
I remember when I got to Oklahoma and had a first taste of the phrase "family of believers" and how it applies to the Church. God blessed me with a large family of friends within two weeks of arriving.
I remember when, a couple of years ago, I alienated most of them when I did some things that I felt God was leading me to do. Some things I did at the time were foolishness that only a stubborn heart can do, but most were not. In the course of five days my circle of friends dropped from nearly a congregation to almost three.
I bring this up to describe a cycle I seem to be going through. Before the incident, my faith was alive, active, and growing. I watched as God did some miraculous things in people's lives. Everything from salvation to breaking addictions to supernatural healing (no joke) appeared before my eyes.
Then the incident.
After that, my heart grew cold when I stopped trusting God. Plain and simple. It took almost a year and a half to realize that and a good six months to actually own my emotions after I realized it. I trusted Him up to the point of recovery, to the rebuilding of friendships and then said, "No. No more." The pain (and selfishness!) was to great and I had no desire repent of my desire for revenge (aka justice), to repent of my "victim" status from betrayal and from the unopen attitude I carry around other people.
Geez, what a dirtbag!
So now I'm here, typing out a blog, and wondering at how foolish I can really be. I wonder what it would have been like to come to terms with this sooner (or at least to start to), but Aslan never lets the children think about what might have been. I'm praying that God opens my stubborn heart to the things that please Him and breaks it over what injures him. Faith is such a tricky thing. For the past few months it has been a thing of the head...I know God is good, I know he loves me, I know he cares, so I will believe and follow; to, God is Good! He loves me! He cares!!! SEND ME!!!!
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2 comments:
Great Post Danny! It takes courage to share one's heart and one's shame to whomever may stumble upon it. I applaud you! Grab the grace of God by the horns and ride full-circle my friend! I'm excited by the growth and depth in such realizations!
Yea, awesome post. I got back into the Word since the semester began and it felt great (like you)! Just wanted to say you're an awesome pal and I really appreciate how you, perhaps inspired by God, continue to push me to become a fully devoted follower and worshiper of Christ (whether you know it or not). Thanks for your post!
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