G'day. Sort of.

I really hate complaining all the time but it seems like that's the only conversation possible over the past few months that I've been able to keep. I like to think of myself as a cheerful person most of the time but I think that would be a far cry from the truth now.
What the heck is going on? Ever felt like Job? Thankfully, I still have health and all of my material necessities met (though I was wondering about it there for a while), but there is still a definite sense of loss, of abandonment, of 'just what the heck is going on anyway?'.
If it wasn't for worship at church today I'd definitely be in a blue funk. The sermon was mostly for married folks but I listened in and re-learned a few things that I have forgotten. I feel like I could offer marriage advice and I'm not even married. I'm sure that sensation will disappear if God ever lets me get near a woman, which doesn't seem likely.
And really, it's not even a woman that I desire (ignore the hormones for a moment) as much as it is real, true, deep and committed fellowship. I've noticed that when the the latter desire is filled, the former want fades quite a bit.
Speaking of desires, in a moment of self reflection (not in the shower this time) I made a list of things I really, truly desire and would be happy if I had nothing else:

-A family
-Meaningful work to do
-ministry
-authorship
-Knowledge of God's will
-Friends

I thought about it some more and realized that none of these things are bad by themselves, and in a general sense, all are a part of God's will in some way or another. Then I got ticked at God. I reasoned that if all of these things are good and beneficial, why wasn't he providing? I asked him that and waited for an answer. I didn't have to wait long. He asked this: "Where am I in that list?"
It's a funny thing how God's questions can have as much impact as his direct commands. I wonder at how he could be so gentle and not wipe me off the face of the earth for such a stupid train of thought. Where, indeed, is he in that list? There was a time in my life it would have looked like this:

-Jesus
-Jesus
-Jesus
-More Jesus
-Still more Jesus

Well, maybe I wasn't ever that perfect, but you get the point. Somewhere after all of that add the other list and it was a pretty fair summation of my heart. It grieves me to see how far I have gone from a childlike faith to hard-hearted and stupid.

Time is running out. I'm going to the gym to have a near death experience (Crossfit) and will finish later.

Dan the Petulant Pal