Squeek Squeek

I've been reading James the past few minutes and it's reminded me of things I'd rather not think about.
You know, I think it's been two years since I've been held accountable in any sort of discipleship program/relationship, and just realized that I had practically given up hope of ever seeing another one ever again. I can count off on my fingers (and maybe toes) of the times I've had serious hope that one would develop with an older male, only to have events, time and sometimes even betrayals change it.
I feel old and weary inside. Calloused. Unclean. I've nearly forgotten what it's like to be anything else and it hurts to much to really remember it in any detail. Remembering the past is just too painful right now, even the good parts. Is there hope? Is there an end to this madness? This unconfessed sin? I hate the person I have become and am becoming, and don't know how to change it (and I know it won't happen by myself).
This is probably the strongest test I've ever had. I've been through the turbulent times, I've had nearly everything stripped away before and survived soley by the grace of God. It's getting harder and harder to remember the same grace can see me through this trial, too.
Literally years of practically nothing...it's wearing me down...I'm like a hamster in a wheel except now the wheel is stuck, too, and there's a cat reaching in the cage to rip me apart and eat what little is left of my soul.

Prayers, please....