Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
But I know that you've got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able
No, the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones you can't get
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they've drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, and open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
(let sombody love you)
You better let somebody love you
before it's too late
--Eagles, Desperado
Every time I hear this song I feel like it's being played just for me. Today at the pool I was gasping for breath and it came on. I'm so tired of being disappointed that I've just gone numb for a while.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
Uh...oh yeah...forgot about that one....shoot.
The past few days have been a relational hell. Actually, the past few weeks have, and it started at the top.
My walk has been TERRIBLE...just pathetic. Hardly any Word, hardly any prayer, hardly anything. It's leaking down into my relationships with other people, too.
Well, hey...I just read James 1:1-8 and it helped. A lot. I remembered that not only is God with me through this suffering (even though I've brought it on myself for the most part), he also WANTS me to suffer. He wants my faith to be shaken and broken. He wants me to be tested, He wants me to be patient, He wants me to be made whole, to lack nothing, to be made perfect and made complete. Thank you, Jesus. It hurts; but still, you watch over me and you take care of me. Thank you so much!!! :)
Anyhow, prayers please....
My walk has been TERRIBLE...just pathetic. Hardly any Word, hardly any prayer, hardly anything. It's leaking down into my relationships with other people, too.
Well, hey...I just read James 1:1-8 and it helped. A lot. I remembered that not only is God with me through this suffering (even though I've brought it on myself for the most part), he also WANTS me to suffer. He wants my faith to be shaken and broken. He wants me to be tested, He wants me to be patient, He wants me to be made whole, to lack nothing, to be made perfect and made complete. Thank you, Jesus. It hurts; but still, you watch over me and you take care of me. Thank you so much!!! :)
Anyhow, prayers please....
Friday, September 15, 2006
Squeek Squeek
I've been reading James the past few minutes and it's reminded me of things I'd rather not think about.
You know, I think it's been two years since I've been held accountable in any sort of discipleship program/relationship, and just realized that I had practically given up hope of ever seeing another one ever again. I can count off on my fingers (and maybe toes) of the times I've had serious hope that one would develop with an older male, only to have events, time and sometimes even betrayals change it.
I feel old and weary inside. Calloused. Unclean. I've nearly forgotten what it's like to be anything else and it hurts to much to really remember it in any detail. Remembering the past is just too painful right now, even the good parts. Is there hope? Is there an end to this madness? This unconfessed sin? I hate the person I have become and am becoming, and don't know how to change it (and I know it won't happen by myself).
This is probably the strongest test I've ever had. I've been through the turbulent times, I've had nearly everything stripped away before and survived soley by the grace of God. It's getting harder and harder to remember the same grace can see me through this trial, too.
Literally years of practically nothing...it's wearing me down...I'm like a hamster in a wheel except now the wheel is stuck, too, and there's a cat reaching in the cage to rip me apart and eat what little is left of my soul.
Prayers, please....
You know, I think it's been two years since I've been held accountable in any sort of discipleship program/relationship, and just realized that I had practically given up hope of ever seeing another one ever again. I can count off on my fingers (and maybe toes) of the times I've had serious hope that one would develop with an older male, only to have events, time and sometimes even betrayals change it.
I feel old and weary inside. Calloused. Unclean. I've nearly forgotten what it's like to be anything else and it hurts to much to really remember it in any detail. Remembering the past is just too painful right now, even the good parts. Is there hope? Is there an end to this madness? This unconfessed sin? I hate the person I have become and am becoming, and don't know how to change it (and I know it won't happen by myself).
This is probably the strongest test I've ever had. I've been through the turbulent times, I've had nearly everything stripped away before and survived soley by the grace of God. It's getting harder and harder to remember the same grace can see me through this trial, too.
Literally years of practically nothing...it's wearing me down...I'm like a hamster in a wheel except now the wheel is stuck, too, and there's a cat reaching in the cage to rip me apart and eat what little is left of my soul.
Prayers, please....
Monday, September 11, 2006
Where's the moonshine?
What are your thoughts on a Christian's consumption of alcohol?
Personally, I think it's better to avoid it completely. I usually say I don't mind legal age drinking (responsibly), but I do get on a soapbox about it pretty quickly and reveal what I apparently really think about it.
Is it a sin? Well, no. The Word says as long as you don't let it (or anything else for that matter) control you, it should be okay. Anything that prevents a person from submitting to the will of God is of course, sin. I still think it's dumb to drink though, at least on a regular basis. I'm not making a question of what is right and wrong, I'm making a question of what is good and what is best. With the implications alcohol carries, a person could go either way with it, I suppose.
I've heard it argued that having a beer with some people you are witnessing to is a great way to get to know them. Okay. So, unless the both of you are not drinking to get drunk, is the person going to remember anything you say? If you get inebriated, how is that helping?
The whole point of being here on this earth is to be different...not "fitting in," like I hear in most mega-churches today. Who cares about fitting in? If you're not ticking somebody off you're probably compromising where you shouldn't be, anyway. If I hear another sermon about having the courage to go and BUY some temptation, I'm gonna flip out.
I've had at least one person take a picture of me in a bar to prove to someone else that I've actually been in one. You know what? Nearly every time I answer the question of "Why aren't you drinking with us," I notice two things - I have a chance (and responsibility) to witness if I can, AND, they are sober enough to understand me without being in an alcohol-inspired awe. One wasted fellow called me the "Jesus-Man" after I was forced to make some extremely difficult choices on a TDY. That may have been as close to thinking about God he got the whole time. Had I said something earlier, it may have been different, who knows?
I've never gone the other way and tried the drinking, but then again I'm pretty sure that if I overdo it once, then I'm going to lose my sanity. I have seen (and heard of) people who call themselves Christians participate in the revelry and I see no difference between them and someone else in a bar when they drink. I'm not making a character judgment, I'm making an observation.
Is it okay to go into a strip-club as long as I don't lust over the models? Well, if it's an emergency and I'm pulling somebody out, I'll go in. I ain't gonna sit in there though. Is it okay for a Christian guy to buy a Maxim as long as he doesn't lust? What's wrong with enjoying the beauty of a woman as long as the hormones don't kick in? Weeeell....hmm...ask your wife (or girlfriend, or for that matter, any Lord-loving female).
We have so much more to think about than our perceived "rights" as believers. Our only "right" is the privilege of dying a slow, painful and bloody death like Jesus did and most of us (in America at least) will probably never have that opportunity. We can only practice the spiritual aspects of dying to ourselves and except for a select few can die for real. Not that I'm asking for it; after all, pain is pain no matter what flavor it comes in.
Here's one more thing and I'll step off the soapbox. When the 'heathen' profane God, it's expected. If he wasn't insulted, stepped on and crucified, He wouldn't have been glorified, and we would have no Savior. I remember not being a Christian, and though I don't remember actively and intentionally "persecuting" Him, I do know that everything I did would have put Him on the Cross had he not already done it.
But what about us believers? Why do we continue to do those things for the sake of our newfound "rights"? We're (and most certainly I) am no different a lot of times, we're just forgiven and praying for change. My rambles are done for now.
Personally, I think it's better to avoid it completely. I usually say I don't mind legal age drinking (responsibly), but I do get on a soapbox about it pretty quickly and reveal what I apparently really think about it.
Is it a sin? Well, no. The Word says as long as you don't let it (or anything else for that matter) control you, it should be okay. Anything that prevents a person from submitting to the will of God is of course, sin. I still think it's dumb to drink though, at least on a regular basis. I'm not making a question of what is right and wrong, I'm making a question of what is good and what is best. With the implications alcohol carries, a person could go either way with it, I suppose.
I've heard it argued that having a beer with some people you are witnessing to is a great way to get to know them. Okay. So, unless the both of you are not drinking to get drunk, is the person going to remember anything you say? If you get inebriated, how is that helping?
The whole point of being here on this earth is to be different...not "fitting in," like I hear in most mega-churches today. Who cares about fitting in? If you're not ticking somebody off you're probably compromising where you shouldn't be, anyway. If I hear another sermon about having the courage to go and BUY some temptation, I'm gonna flip out.
I've had at least one person take a picture of me in a bar to prove to someone else that I've actually been in one. You know what? Nearly every time I answer the question of "Why aren't you drinking with us," I notice two things - I have a chance (and responsibility) to witness if I can, AND, they are sober enough to understand me without being in an alcohol-inspired awe. One wasted fellow called me the "Jesus-Man" after I was forced to make some extremely difficult choices on a TDY. That may have been as close to thinking about God he got the whole time. Had I said something earlier, it may have been different, who knows?
I've never gone the other way and tried the drinking, but then again I'm pretty sure that if I overdo it once, then I'm going to lose my sanity. I have seen (and heard of) people who call themselves Christians participate in the revelry and I see no difference between them and someone else in a bar when they drink. I'm not making a character judgment, I'm making an observation.
Is it okay to go into a strip-club as long as I don't lust over the models? Well, if it's an emergency and I'm pulling somebody out, I'll go in. I ain't gonna sit in there though. Is it okay for a Christian guy to buy a Maxim as long as he doesn't lust? What's wrong with enjoying the beauty of a woman as long as the hormones don't kick in? Weeeell....hmm...ask your wife (or girlfriend, or for that matter, any Lord-loving female).
We have so much more to think about than our perceived "rights" as believers. Our only "right" is the privilege of dying a slow, painful and bloody death like Jesus did and most of us (in America at least) will probably never have that opportunity. We can only practice the spiritual aspects of dying to ourselves and except for a select few can die for real. Not that I'm asking for it; after all, pain is pain no matter what flavor it comes in.
Here's one more thing and I'll step off the soapbox. When the 'heathen' profane God, it's expected. If he wasn't insulted, stepped on and crucified, He wouldn't have been glorified, and we would have no Savior. I remember not being a Christian, and though I don't remember actively and intentionally "persecuting" Him, I do know that everything I did would have put Him on the Cross had he not already done it.
But what about us believers? Why do we continue to do those things for the sake of our newfound "rights"? We're (and most certainly I) am no different a lot of times, we're just forgiven and praying for change. My rambles are done for now.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
What's the point here, anyway?
Dan John's "Another article on steroids."
Wow.
As I read the article, it occurred to me (again) that my body is not the only thing that grows stronger in the gym. It also occurred to me that really, isn't that the point? What's the point of training a body that is just going to die and rot after a few short years? Hmmm. Well, quality of life is an obvious answer, but I'm thinking there is more to it than that.
Why are we created as "three-fold" people - we have a body, we have a spirit, we have a soul. All of these things must come under the mastery of Christ in our lives. Personally, I think the biggest gain of me going to the gym is the mental strength that results from doing a WoD on less than four hours of sleep, or doing three workouts a day, or really, just doing a WoD since one is hard enough by itself.
After I'm done my body is exhausted, worn out and I'm often about ready to puke. My mind is different...it's running on all cylinders (there aren't very many!) and I feel ready to take on anything. If I've trained properly, oftentimes I've also grown just a tad little bit through worship and prayer and praise.
Hmm. Well, there it is...Jesus. He's the point.
Wow.
As I read the article, it occurred to me (again) that my body is not the only thing that grows stronger in the gym. It also occurred to me that really, isn't that the point? What's the point of training a body that is just going to die and rot after a few short years? Hmmm. Well, quality of life is an obvious answer, but I'm thinking there is more to it than that.
Why are we created as "three-fold" people - we have a body, we have a spirit, we have a soul. All of these things must come under the mastery of Christ in our lives. Personally, I think the biggest gain of me going to the gym is the mental strength that results from doing a WoD on less than four hours of sleep, or doing three workouts a day, or really, just doing a WoD since one is hard enough by itself.
After I'm done my body is exhausted, worn out and I'm often about ready to puke. My mind is different...it's running on all cylinders (there aren't very many!) and I feel ready to take on anything. If I've trained properly, oftentimes I've also grown just a tad little bit through worship and prayer and praise.
Hmm. Well, there it is...Jesus. He's the point.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
So Difficult
Right now I'm really depressed.
I'm TDY and it's difficult watching all the people call loved ones to tell them they landed safely. I'm sitting in my room wishing I could avoid thinking about being so blasted lonely. The other alternative is going out with the crew and watch them get wasted.
At least the room is cushy! I've got a sitting area, a kitchen (with a full-size fridge and a stove and oven), a bedroom and of course the bathroom. I'm accessing the net for $1.98 a day, which isn't bad, considering it's usually purchased by the hour.
I'm watching a program on the History Channel about Rome's Ancient doctors, specifically Galiean (I think that's how you spell it!). This stuff is incredible!! They apparently performed eye surgery, brain surgery, and Galiean was the first recorded doctor to associate symptoms in one place with problems in another place, especially with an emphasis on the central nervous system. Wow!
I'm TDY and it's difficult watching all the people call loved ones to tell them they landed safely. I'm sitting in my room wishing I could avoid thinking about being so blasted lonely. The other alternative is going out with the crew and watch them get wasted.
At least the room is cushy! I've got a sitting area, a kitchen (with a full-size fridge and a stove and oven), a bedroom and of course the bathroom. I'm accessing the net for $1.98 a day, which isn't bad, considering it's usually purchased by the hour.
I'm watching a program on the History Channel about Rome's Ancient doctors, specifically Galiean (I think that's how you spell it!). This stuff is incredible!! They apparently performed eye surgery, brain surgery, and Galiean was the first recorded doctor to associate symptoms in one place with problems in another place, especially with an emphasis on the central nervous system. Wow!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!
Good grief, I am so bored right now. I don't have a decent book to read, and even if I did I probably wouldn't be able to because I'm unable to sit still. Haven't worked out since...mmmm...Monday? Yeah, Monday, because I'm sick and just want to recover for a while. I've lost my appetite...funny thing...when I stop working out, I stop having an appetite...could eat maybe one meal a day and be fine. When I'm working out I can't get enough food, I'm always hungry. There's my rambles.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
This is just silly
Wow, I must be really stinkin' hot. :) Haha...whatever!
This weekend I had a BUS full of cheerleaders try to get my attention and give me a phone number while driving down the highway. No kidding. Then there was the girl in Starbucks that kept sneaking glances at me, to the ire of her three male friends. I thought her guy friends were going to leap over the table and take me out. She wasn't very subtle about it. Today there was a chicka sitting in front of me that kept glancing over her book to check me out. She was trying to be subtle but I caught her at least twice. What is the deal??? Not that I'm complaining about getting attention from females, but why this all of a sudden?
Haha. Don't exactly know what to do, but it doesn't matter anyway. Any girl worth her weight is probably not going to be ooogling anyway; so, I'm just waiting for the right one. For God to open my eyes, I guess...or maybe hers, whoever she is.
*sigh*
Yesterday was a circus!
First, I woke up at 0530 to go running with a friend on base. I was so tired I nearly slept through the alarm, but managed to wake up and go.
When I got there, my friend didn't show. It wasn't her fault though, so that's no biggie. I decided to run a couple miles by myself anyway, since I was already there. About half-way through I had to use the bathroom so bad I had to stop running. Oh the pain!!! I felt stupid, but hey, it's better than pooping in my shorts.
So, since the big gym was crowded, I decided to go to a little gym across base to take my shower. It was on the way to work anyhow, so why not? It's more comfortable and I wouldn't have to deal with all the old guys sitting around in the nude trying to start conversations with me.
So I get there, and sure enough there are only about four vehicles in the parking lot. "Yes!" I think to myself. "Some privacy!" Wrong. About the time I started taking a shower, I think every male in the building decided to take one, too. Only this time it was worse because there are only four shower heads, rather than the 8-10 at the big gym.
So I'm done with the shower. All the Navy dudes are chatting as I'm searching through my stuff for the personals to finish getting ready. Guess what I forgot to bring? DEODORANT! I thought, eh, that's really no big deal, I can get some at the shoppette on the way to work. After I shave and stuff I went back to get dressed.
Guess what else I forgot to bring!?!?! Yep!!! UNDERWEAR!!! HA! So I sure did pull off a Rambo style for the rest of the day. Nobody was the wiser, I think. It did feel kinda funny though.
Then I go to the shoppette to buy some deodorant, and guess what?? They only have women's deodorant. By this point I'm just kinda rolling with it, you know? I'm already splendidly happy about not wearing any underwear and showering with a bunch of strange men, so women's deodorant is really not that big a deal. I bought it. Funny thing is, I got so busy at work I didn't even use it. If any of you ladies out there need some deodorant I can hook you up!
That was yesterday. What an adventure.
First, I woke up at 0530 to go running with a friend on base. I was so tired I nearly slept through the alarm, but managed to wake up and go.
When I got there, my friend didn't show. It wasn't her fault though, so that's no biggie. I decided to run a couple miles by myself anyway, since I was already there. About half-way through I had to use the bathroom so bad I had to stop running. Oh the pain!!! I felt stupid, but hey, it's better than pooping in my shorts.
So, since the big gym was crowded, I decided to go to a little gym across base to take my shower. It was on the way to work anyhow, so why not? It's more comfortable and I wouldn't have to deal with all the old guys sitting around in the nude trying to start conversations with me.
So I get there, and sure enough there are only about four vehicles in the parking lot. "Yes!" I think to myself. "Some privacy!" Wrong. About the time I started taking a shower, I think every male in the building decided to take one, too. Only this time it was worse because there are only four shower heads, rather than the 8-10 at the big gym.
So I'm done with the shower. All the Navy dudes are chatting as I'm searching through my stuff for the personals to finish getting ready. Guess what I forgot to bring? DEODORANT! I thought, eh, that's really no big deal, I can get some at the shoppette on the way to work. After I shave and stuff I went back to get dressed.
Guess what else I forgot to bring!?!?! Yep!!! UNDERWEAR!!! HA! So I sure did pull off a Rambo style for the rest of the day. Nobody was the wiser, I think. It did feel kinda funny though.
Then I go to the shoppette to buy some deodorant, and guess what?? They only have women's deodorant. By this point I'm just kinda rolling with it, you know? I'm already splendidly happy about not wearing any underwear and showering with a bunch of strange men, so women's deodorant is really not that big a deal. I bought it. Funny thing is, I got so busy at work I didn't even use it. If any of you ladies out there need some deodorant I can hook you up!
That was yesterday. What an adventure.
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